You know that last missing puzzle piece? The one that just doesn’t fit, or has mysteriously been missing? Turns out mine has been something called self-actualization.
I’ve been asking for help with this for as long as I can remember. I just didn’t have the word for it. And now that I’ve found it… well. *click, click* one domino falls into the next.
*click, click, click* and the next, and the next. *click, click, click, click-ity, click* [insert a ton of creative swearwords here]. *click, click, click,….!!!!!* Well, genius, shows how much you know!
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
― Socrates
So, it turns out I have been on this path, searching for ways to empower myself for, well, since I was a kid I guess? I have been taking the ‘right’ steps. Just as a bumbling toddler, because, hey, all new to me!
Running into walls, falling down, scraping my knees, eating dirt, breaking bones, getting concussions. I’m not quite sure when I went from toddler to pre-schooler, or how it kinda feels like I’m a tween now when it comes to this whole ‘self-actualization’ concept. But it’s happened.
I’m on a path that feels one hundred percent right. It’s going to be twisty and turn-y, hilly and steep, strewn with boulders and fallen trees at times, but I look forward to following it to wherever it leads. And in the process I’ll be building up emotional muscles and stamina in completely new and unexpected ways.
Self-actualization and the Jeffry Stijn Foundation
Wait a minute, how can an organization be self-actualized? Well yeah. It’s not yet, but it turns out I’ve been ‘doing the work‘ there too.
From projected budget for the first three years, to the goal of the organization. From structure to voting rights and terms of board members. What kind of functions and compensation would be fair and conform Aruba’s standards to core values. From good governance and company culture to how to ensure future employees, advisors and directors, will be a well-balanced, completely un-norm-conformative, but professional team of mental health and mental illness aficionados.
The Foundation’s ‘council of sages’ is set. The future director of (Mental) Health for the Foundation has announced herself. Expect a proper introduction soon! The paperwork needed for compliance is at the notary. Now it’s time to start with the articles of incorporation, and all the rest of details needed to turn this foundation into a socially responsible, sustainable organization, geared for success!
In that vein I have been in contact with CEDE Aruba about project funding, and I am very excited to explore cooperating with them, and possibly Samenwerkende Fondsen Cariben.
Self-actualization and cPTSD
This week has been beyond bizarre when it comes to my personal journey to finding fitting treatment. I had been advised multiple times, both by my GP and my specialist, to send in official complaints. I just really wasn’t able to at the time. Last week I finally did.
When I let my specialist know, he told me something so bizarre, that I, well. Let’s just start with the bizarre.
I started asking for professional help five years ago. And last week my specialist informed me that Respaldo ‘was not aware’ of
a) my initial ‘behandelvraag’ (treatment request/question) (which in hindsight is 100% about self-actualization) and
b) that my first psychologist suspected that I have cPTSD
Neither are in my file.
I had a conniption, went totally into ‘urgent mode’ woman for about 16 hours. Looked up old email correspondence with the various different psychologists.
And found that I had, over, and over, and over, again, reminded everyone of a) my treatment question and b) kept asking for a psychological assessment that would either rule out or in, cPTSD or another trauma related diagnosis, such as DTD, and whatever else they, in their professional opinion might think was ‘wrong’ with me.
Even in my totally bewildered state of mind at times, I would refer back to studies that pointed out that whatever ‘symptom’ one psychologist saw as a sign of a personality disorder or another saw as a sign that I was ‘on the spectrum’, were ALSO symptoms of trauma related mental illness.
And where both personality disorders and spectrum disorders, or whatever else has been thrown at me for the past 25 years that I’ve been trying to get help, don’t ‘fit the bill’, both objectively AND to me personally, cPTSD or DTD do.
To add insult to injury I also found something out about the way my psychological assessment was done, which was, well, enlightening and at the same time rather horrifying. At best the assessor in my case was negligent.
[This whole thing has to do with norms and protocols in mental healthcare, as well as in Aruba specifically. I’ve already written a lot about it prior to this week, I’m just not ready to publish].
Getting exactly what I need, when I need it – totally new
My specialist handled my waterfall of forwarded emails with all the questions I had posed to past psychologists like a champ. He acknowledged that mistakes had been made and confirmed certain things that I had been told were me being ‘paranoid’ or ‘a sign of my lack of trust in authority’ or ‘a total sign of an attachment disorder’. He took responsibility for his role. And asked for my reply, with my thoughts on what to do next.
Seriously. Exactly. What. I. Needed.
Sense of urgency gone, black and white thinking gone, chastising myself for not following my gut, gone. Totally unhealthy coping mechanism of partial de-personalization in combination with an impossible degree of hypercognition, gone.
So I sent another reply, with what I thought the next logical steps should be. We’ve made a tentative plan.
As to my official complaint? According to Respaldo’s site I should be contacted within the next 2 days. I have not received acknowledgement of receipt of the complaint, though I did request it 7 days ago. I’ve been waiting for years, 2 more days is peanuts.
Self-actualization as a person
Well, yeah. Don’t get me started. About 3 or 4 years ago I started finding ‘My Tribe‘ here on Aruba. And it’s been growing and growing ever since. From wonderful friends to smart cookies in business, Human Rights Activists to people on similar paths when it comes to mental health and illness. I am grateful to each and every one of them every day.
Aside: Save the date – 28th of May 2023!
And whoever still believes that because of my residential mobility trauma I am incapable of forming healthy attachments. Or that somehow I cannot have developed a sense of identity. Or somehow have created a ‘false’ self due to suppressed anger, well.
Just a Regular Julie VBA (i.o.)
Turns out I have been ‘self-actualizing’ this week when it comes to my career too.
After having been advised for over fifteen years to start my own company, and walk my own path when it comes to my career, I’m taking the first step in realizing that dream. Introducing Just a Regular Julie.
I’m officially changing my career to focus on corporate, socially responsible and sustainable consultancy, as well as developing myself as an author. I’ll start with what I know and what I’m passionate about: human nature and human rights.
I have a whole slew of articles about norms, protocols and self-actualization to write. Because, well, yanno, apparently the universe knows perfectly well that I ain’t no Einstein.