I had been running into a similar pattern over and over at a certain point. When I tried to make agreements with my employer or people in my environment something went wrong. A very wise and management guru, offered to help me figure it out. And see what I could do to change or break that pattern.
So he listened to my stories. After a while he got up.
“Keep talking,” he said. So I did. In the meantime he drew four squares on a board.
“When someone asks you to do something, or agree to something, how do you answer?”
“Depends on the situation. I either say yes, or no, with or without conditions.”
He filled in the squares as follows:
“Like this?” he asked. I nodded. “What reactions do you get for each answer?”
- Yes – positive
- Yes, conditionally – positive reaction
- No, unless – positive reaction
- No – bad reaction
Saying No
“How do they react badly when you say no?”
“They get angry or irritated, and often try to change my mind. Then a lot of them start battering to get me to say no, unless…”
“And do you?”
“Sometimes.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Manipulated.”
Saying yes
“What happens when you say yes and circumstances change?”
“I let the person know that circumstances have changed. Propose an alternative if there is one. If not I apologize.”
“What happens then?”
“Then they either understand, and accept the change, or they get angry and irritated.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Depends. If they get angry because of the change in circumstances, I’m fine. If they get angry at me personally, I get mad in return. I let them know it’s not fair to blame me for something I can’t control.”
Setting conditions
“And if you’ve set conditions?” I had to think.
“I sometimes start before my conditions are met, sometimes I’ll wait. Really depends on what I know about the person who’s asked.”
“And then?”
“If my conditions are met, no problem. If not, well, hell breaks lose.”
“How so?”
“Most times they act like I never set any conditions, but said yes instead. I usually mail a reminder if my conditions haven’t been met. Sometimes it’s followed up with an apology and conditions being met, but usually with some kind of excuse or denial, and the request to just do it.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Used, manipulated or treated unfairly.”
“And if you make agreements with them?”
“They usually say yes and do no.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Like crap. Like there’s a different set of rules for them than for me.”
Compare and contrast
“Have you run into this before?”
“Sometimes, but not regularly. In most cases I was never blamed personally, nor did people expect me to set aside my conditions. With a few notable exceptions.”
“What’s different now?”
“I don’t know, but I need to figure out what I can do to change this. Any suggestions?”
“Keep doing what you’re doing.”
“Wait, what?!”
“You’re fine. They won’t change. If they only hear yes, and ignore your conditions, you can’t build a healthy relationship or do business effectively.”
“But I’m the one left holding the bag. How do I change that?”
“Get out of dodge.”
4 thoughts on “Setting boundaries and conditions”